Ok, I confess, that was a bit click-baity.
Did I lose it on numerous occasions with my kids making me cringe to this day? Yes.
Did I use parenting techniques that I read about and thought were great at the time and now feel were too hard line and not responsive enough? Yes.
Did I leave my toddler alone with my 10m old baby for 5 minutes while I used the bathroom? Yes. (I thought the giggling sounds were a good sign....only to return to find the baby (who had been standing up in the cot) was now covered in sudocrem!)
But these were small fry compared to my biggest mistake. This was thinking there was:
a right way to do this parenting thing
and that if I just read enough and spoke to enough professionals, I would eventually find it.
It led to literally years of striving for something that didn't exist
and it caused me stress because I was worried that I hadn't found the 'right way' yet and might therefore be harming my children.
My babies are currently 22y, 21y and 17y. I still don't know the right way to parent. But I've learned 5 very important things about parenting that I'd like to save you having to learn:
You are raising a unique human being (or beings). They have never existed before in the history of humanity.
Pros: Parents who spend most of their time caring for their kids are the best qualified to say what will work for them as they know them best - everyone else can offer their thoughts, knowledge and experience of what they've seen work with other children; but only the primary caregivers know best what will work for this particular one.
Cons: You've got to reinvent this particular parenting wheel.
Go easy on your kids. Your relationship with them is the most important thing of all. Imagine explaining to them when they're an adult why you used this approach, technique - whatever it is. If that's going to be a difficult conversation, adapt the approach now.
You need regular breaks. It is wonderful and exhausting to be a parent. It is often easier not to have breaks. Having a break means thinking ahead, organising some care for the child(ren), making sure you're leaving them in safe hands with what they need and so on.
You don't really have the energy for all that.
But it IS worth it. In fact I'd go as far as to say it's essential. If you can work with your other parent or co parent to make this happen automatically and regularly for both of you - you won't regret it. If that's not possible, can you find another parent, family member or friend who could help on a regular basis? If it happens every Monday night, for example, there will be less thought and effort involved.
Find your tribe. These are other parents who get you, love your child(ren) and don't force their ideas on to you. The fact that you'll never experience judgement from them goes without saying. It can take time to find them. You might need to try new playgroups or organised pay-for groups, local Facebook groups, or activities that might attract a parent like you. Anything from volunteering at a Nearly New Sale to Forest School - where do you like to be? Your tribe will probably be there too!
It's ok if it looks different. You can be creative. As long as your child is safe (physically and emotionally) and their needs are being met. It's ok if what you're doing as a family looks a bit different. One family I know has a toddler with some sleep issues. Both parents take a turn sleeping in the child's room with the child on alternate nights. So each of them knows they are guaranteed a good night, every other night. It works for them and their unique family.
.
Make sure your child(ren) know they're loved. We don't deserve the amount of love our kids have for us. They are so forgiving and resilient and adaptable. Focus on loving them and making sure they know they are loved.
So do keep listening to other parents and reading those books and Social Media posts - but with a light touch. They've never met a child like yours so they may have something useful for you, but they might not. Keep talking too - to other parents and professionals. Sometimes in telling someone else what you're struggling with, your thoughts become more organised and something might click for you and you'll come up with the best solution of all.
Comments